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Monday, March 12, 2007

Contemplating Suicide?

When I considered suicide it was to "show them" or to "make them feel guilty or sorry" for me. It wasn't selfishness that motivated my thoughts.  It was an ending to punish those who knew me. I finally realized that sentiment had no logic. It had no resolution in MY favor.

When you are in the depths of depression, you can not think clearly. Rationalization is pointless. Thoughtful consideration of the facts does not work. Your bias is overwhelming.

I'm sure that there are many reasons people consider for suicide. In the depths of self doubt, who knows what you can dream up.

But since you are down there, in your hole, thinking, positioning yourself, and wondering, consider that you might be at the bottom. It may be that any small thing can improve your life. Know that it is possible for things to get better. Know that your depression is an illness that you can learn to deal with. Reason that. You can logically tell yourself that you have this illness of depression and you can get better. That logic can defeat depression.

Transsexualism doesn't create the depression. But it does seem that depression and the T walk hand in hand. Transsexualism brings its own challenges to the party. It is the fruitlessness of life as we see it that prompts many of us to build a new ladder and climb out of the hole we are in.  We call it transition.

The logic escapes us. The reality of improvement helps us feel the results of a cause and effect relationship. It is these results that motivates us and moves us forward.

Suicide is a reaction to the external forces we face and live with. It is a reaction to those around us. It is not an act we do for ourselves. So, yes, we are selfish. Moving beyond suicide and its grip is selfish. Pushing positive influences into our lives makes US better. Fulfilling our self realization is a selfish act which moves us beyond the feelings of inadequacy and doubt.

Life is worth living my friend. It is beautiful. I look out my window as I type this and see the velvet fluorescent green of fresh grass covering the hills. The cattle are tending to their calves and birds are singing. It is a moment to cherish. It is a moment of life.

Find the source of your anguish and deal with it. Get medical help if you need. But you must cease the endless thought process of logic where suicide is concerned. It leads nowhere and unfortunately has dire consequences.

Pick yourself up. Enjoy this moment for what it is. And know that you can overcome the obstacles and enjoy life.


Copyright 2007 by Cindi Jones

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