Copyright 2006 Cindi Jones. This essay may not be reproduced in any form without explicit authorization from the author.
Have religious zealots got you down? Does your mother make you feel guilty? Does your dad tell you that you will burn in hell? Take heart. YOU have the power to overcome your sins and transgressions.
If you pull out your rolodex and cross reference religions that use some form of the old testament as scripture, include your JC's, RC's, ED's, and STD's or any other acronyms, those that make mother's guilt a hereditary trait, and those that post letters, symbols, or pictures on a stick... Make sure you include those that dress in clergy drag for services. And what you'll have is a big messy stack of cards.... perhaps more than you started with.
You see, that's the miracle. From any of these recognized sources, you have the ability to really wreck someone's day. That's what hell is my friend; cleaning up someone elses messy stack of cards.
Now, what I like to do when I admonish someone, is pick and choose from the holy text.... you know, form interesting combinations such as:
- Blessed are those who eat pork on the sabbath for theirs is a time to dance.
- Yea give unto ceasar he who would cast the first stone for he is certainly a harlot.
- And yea, he who says Lord, Lord hath forgotten where the queen layeth down.
or my favorite
- And he went forth into the river and changed it all to wine. And the wedding supper twirth revived.
Some you can leave as is, you know, like Lot giving his two daughters to strangers. Or the songs of Solomon are favorites where the author continues to dote on his lovers breasts. These are truly spiritual morsels that should be committed to memory. Or you can commit yourself. It really doesn't matter. The results are always the same.
So what do I pull from all of this?
Before you go to the wedding, make sure that Solomon's performance contract is up to date and that he has been paid. Invite your guests to bring rocks as gifts. Most definitely stop off at Lot's house. Pick up the babes and a couple of large cups. Light your lanterns and have a good time. Yea verily, saith Cindi.
Copyright 2006 by Cindi Jones RSS and Atom feeds allowed. All other use by permission only.