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Thursday, April 26, 2007

Why did god ignore me?

I've been having many depressing feelings today.  My folks came to visit for four weeks and left early yesterday. I look forward to their visit every year. I plan all year for it. And when they leave, I am totally crushed.  I cried all day yesterday and today. I've been doing nothing but moping around. Why did this thing have to tear my family apart? Why did I have to leave my home state to pursue my life?  Why was my own family rent so needlessly?

I plead with God for many years for answers.  And finally I stopped, for my answer had been there all along.  The problem was mine to resolve.

Will I ever have a real answer?  In my case it no longer matters. I know that I've done everything that I can to provide for my family and take care of them. I've done my best to rebuild our relationships. I still grieve at times and suppose that I always will. Sometimes I hate this situation.

BUT.  I do have a new life. I have a husband who loves me more than "they" do. For he loves me unconditionally. I have friends who care deeply for me. That which I've gained has tremendous value.  Those who could not grow beyond this thing are still stuck at the crossroads and will not let the past become history. They may never get over it.  And for that I am very sorry.  For the rest of my family, our relationships have grown ever stronger over the years.

So, while I'm feeling down right now... while I am still wondering why.... the answer still remains the same. These are my problems. I am still working on them. I am still growing. And, I still miss my family.

You know it's funny. If we were crippled in an accident, they'd not have a problem with it. If we were born with some other physical defect, they'd fully accept us and dote over us our whole life.  They can't see or understand this.

So why does it have to tear us apart?  Only because we let it.  And sadly, it is a "WE" thing. Both parties must work on it.  Why does God let it happen? Perhaps he let it happen as a biological mistake. Perhaps he doesn't care. Perhaps there is no god. It doesn't matter. It's all part of the rich tapestry of life.


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Susan said...

Hey, Cindi! Are you still here? I ran across your profile on some OHS website while looking for long lost friends. You mentioned you might be interested in chatting. I have found myself wondering, from time to time, just how you were doing, where you are now, and if you're happy. You see, we were in school together since grade school.

Would love to hear from you. Just friends.

Susan said...

By the way, I purchased and read your book. It was outstanding, and I couldn't put it down.

Cindianna Jones said...

Susan, I am very sorry I haven't kept up on this blog. I do want to get in contact with you. I did note that you are on google circles. I have added you into a circle of friends. If you'd like to contact me by email, use:

cindianna_jones at yahoo dot com

The underscore is correct. Just reassemble the addy with it in tact.

I look forward to corresponding with you!