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Friday, February 23, 2007

Unsent Lament

Yes, I knew that this time might come.  I knew that someday you would open your arms and invite me in, or that you would learn more of my past and exclude me from your life.


You have felt abandoned as you have grown up into a beautiful young woman.  Now that you have a child you wondered why I left your mother so many years ago.  And after reading my life story, you decided to end our relationship.  It breaks my heart.  It crushes the breath from my lungs.  It dries my tears with a hot desert wind so that I can cry no more.


My little girl….. I  know that your mother has never said anything bad about me.  But there have been many things unsaid.  In your world, there could be no discussion of people like me.  For it is a sin unto God.  Not only were you missing your father, you were left with an empty explanation as to why he was not with you as you grew up. The discussion never took place.  It could never take place.  I fault no one for this. It was inevitable.


You need not make a logical argument, to discover the facts and assemble them into a reason as an explanation to me.  All you need do is quote directly from the text I wrote which you have read: "Over the next ten years, I would learn to betray every person that I ever loved. I would lie to them. I would steal their confidence. I would steal pieces of their precious lives. I would lead them on.  I, singularly, would be the source of anguish, embarrassment, and desperation for a full generation of my family."  Of course, the generation I speak of includes my parents, my children, and now, their children.


Yes, I have had happy times in my life.  I value this as a blessing.  Unfortunately, much of my happiness has been at your expense and the family you love and cherish.  They have loved me and I them.  This I can not deny.  I can assure you that I am quite miserable now.  Your revelation has consumed me.


Please know that I never abandoned you.  Yes, there has been a great physical distance that has separated us.  This was a necessary thing for my survival many years ago.  This has not, however diminished my longing to know you, to hold you, to have an open discussion, and to love you openly as my daughter. I had many financial difficulties over the years, but your support and well being were always at the top of my priority list.  There were many times when that priority was difficult to manage.  It was my choice… eat or support you and your brother.  I tell you this not so that you may feel guilty but so that you may know that I did not abandon you. 


No, you will not receive this letter today, tomorrow, or even next year.  You may never read this letter.  I have decided that to send it may only give rise to more conflict… that what I have written will transmit a different message when you read it.  I would hope that someday you will read it. 


I love you, my daughter, with every fiber of my being.  I will always love you.  Nothing can or will ever change that.  I will always be here for you, I will welcome you with open arms should you ever change your mind.


With great sadness,



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